


My secret space.

by Leviachan



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, teen boys smecking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 16:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10391019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leviachan/pseuds/Leviachan
Summary: The two boys always found each other in a place much less traveled





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while listening to:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilSrXiCi8dI

Best friends. Inseparable.

It'd have to be an understatement to describe these two. 

They were born a month apart. 

One born to a father who was the son of a farmer, raised on values of work and a good education. A man who loved his country, albeit he was born here illegally. Rufioh nitram was an abrasive man who believed in hard working always pays off in the end. He married far too young to a woman who believed in her own agenda and left him with a son. Regardless of the anger he felt towards his ex wife, rufioh would raise his son with morals and love. 

The other was born to a father who was the product of a night filled with drugs and sex. A man who was overly religious and zealous about the inner machinations of the mind. Kurloz makara was a man who partied too young and paid he piper in the price of his girlfriend's hearing. He's gone so far down the rabbit hole that the hole belonged to him now. The girl he got pregnant left the world just as silently as she heard it. In a rage he overdosed and found god and would raise his son with force and dedication to religion 

Both of these fathers despised each other. 

years ago both of these men were mildly inseparable, but time moves. People change.

Tavros came into the world quiet. A soft tuft of black hair on his head, eyes closed, and hardly breathing. A woman laying in the bed exasperated with messy blonde hair and ready to pass out from exhaustion. Rufioh had gone into a panic, insisting that something was wrong with his son. He was small. Tavros was so small and meek. The doctors assured him that he was fine. Everything was fine. And it was...somewhat. Tavros was born weak due to premature birth. The doctors told rufioh that the effects would ware off and tavros would be healthy and strong. Tavros would have very little importance in his mothers life. 

Gamzee came into the world kicking and screaming. A messy hairy little baby graced this earth to kurloz. A woman with long messy black hair and half lidded emerald eyes looks on to her son with nothing but pure adoration and hope for his future. Kurloz was beaming with joy, with power, his son was born today. Once the doctors cleaned and weighed gamzee, they handed him right over to kurloz and he held gamzee close before giving him to his mother, she'd hold gamzee as if he were made of glass, but made just for her. Her green eyes traced every curve and wrinkle of her newborns face, and she'd commit to her heart. Her eyes would go heavy and she'd get weak and the doctors would have to try and resuscitate her before she'd finally flat line. Gamzee and kurloz both lost their light that day, and gamzee didn't even know. 

Both men would return home from the hospital....feeling as if a hole would be in their chest. 

A year after tavros' birth, his mother would divorce their father, telling him she couldn't be tied down. She'd tell him that she'd send tavros letters, but she doubt she would be returning. Rufioh would tell her to do what matters the most to her in life. She'd leave him. Rufioh would begin a downward spiral and lose all hope, but typically....his son would give it all back to him. Tavros was a fussy baby, what baby wasn't? He was sick and small. He had weak lungs and cried far too much for rufioh's sanity. His family loved tavros, cursing his ex wife's name from dusk till dawn, praising rufioh for taking responsibility. Rufioh would return to his fathers ranch in search of a new start. Tavros would grow to be a good man here. 

A year after gamzee's birth, his mothers funeral had come and gone and grieving still happening, her last words being a whispered 'my prince' to her son before slipping from this world. Just as quietly as she lived in it. Kurloz would fall down into the rabbit hole, chasing a high that kept him hardly there. His mother would take care of gamzee most of the time, reminding her son that he needed to take responsibility. Kurloz would pretend it'd go in one ear out the other while he figured another way to chase the rabbit once more. Just as the anniversary of his girlfriends death would arrive to call to him, he'd take every substance his hands could grasp in shaky hands. His body could only take so much, and it would shut down and he'd overdose. But he'd live. His roommate would call the ambulance and he'd have his stomach pumped. And kurloz would find god in the rehab center and when he'd come home to his mother and his infant son, he would get a job and move to a new city, a smaller one with lots of farms in search of a new start. Gamzee would grow to be....troubled here. 

By the time middle school would start for both boys, their lives would be drastically different. Tavros was a frail little boy with big brown eyes and a sweet disposition, his voice would seem to call out to all the animals and he would be bullied because instead of being rough and destructive, Tavros had his fathers heart and a startlingly impressive affinity for peter pan. Rufioh would do everything in his power to raise his son to be strong and willful, but he could only do so much for a boy born weak. But rufioh never lost hope in his boy, not like his wife had. Every year on tavros' birthday rufioh would receive a letter from his wife for her son, but he'd lock it away. He didn't want his son to believe that woman would come for him. She'd never come back, and the hole in his chest may have grown due to this, but he had a son. A sense of duty. Tavros would be a lonely boy, he wouldn't have friends, who would want to talk to a boy who couldn't keep up?

Around eighth grade and a doctors visit, one in millions, the doctor informed tavros and his father it'd be in his best interest to put tavros on a light hormones treatment to jump start his growth and get him to develop correctly. Rufioh would immediately say yes, and then look to his son, who would only smile a big brace toothed smile and nod.

By the time middle school rolled around for gamzee, his father would be a pastor at their church in town and gamzee will have successfully convinced him to let gamzee attend public school rather than a private school. Gamzee hated how his father insisted he kept his hair brushed and pulled back when gamzee enjoyed having it wild and free, that way he could hide pencils in it. Gamzee would be a laid back boy, enjoying watching the world flow by around him. He'd be into clowns and sugary sweet sodas and pies. Even though gamzee inhaled food and sweets, he'd hardly gain anything. He'd have a nice birthday, his grandmother would visit and bring him gifts, and she'd tell him stories about his mother, stories his father wouldn't tell him, that was his favorite birthday gift. He'd listen so intensely and needy, hanging onto her every word. He'd get lost in stories about his mother, she was in college to be a vet, she had a laugh that was sweet, she always made his father laugh and the love between those two transcended all. Gamzee's chest would hurt at the end of the stories, he desperately wanted to meet his mother. 

'Would she be proud of me nana?' he'd ask every time, 'Of course gamzee. Your mother loved you before you were born and even now, she looks down from heaven and she wishes you luck in life' his nana would say, holding his cheeks. 

Around eighth grade, gamzee would be in public school for the first time. Before he'd step into the building he'd take his hair down and he strut in there with all the swagger and prowess as a tired preteen boy could. 

Only to smack into a scrawny boy. 

This interaction between a pastors son and a farmers boy would ignite a forest fire that would swallow the entire town whole. 

Gamzee would smack into tavros, which in turn would make tavros fall and his nose would bleed, seeing as he had only just started taking hormones and was weak still. Gamzee's charcoal eyes would light up and he'd practically throw himself to tavros' feet and he'd try to help the boy up, asking if he was alright. 

'I'm fine' tavros would say, pinching his nose shut. 

gamzee would look around for a bathroom or a school nurse, he'd help lead tavros to the bathroom where they'd connect. 

'I'm sorry about this man I-'  
'I told you its fine-'  
'But your bleeding-'  
'I'm used to the nose bleeds, its okay, really' 

gamzee would pout at the insisting. 

'the names gamzee makara' He'd introduce himself, hand out. 

Tavros would take it and smile, 'I'm tavros, tavros nitram' 

'Your dad owns the farm on the other side of town right?'

'He sure does! And isn't your dad the church pastor?' 

'Aw shucks, caught me' gamzee would say, hands up feigning being caught. 

Tavros would give a nasally laugh and gamzee would laugh back and this warm moment would seal the ending of it all. 

~*~*~

By the time middle school ended and summer was ending, tavros and gamzee would be having one last sleepover. They had spent the school year and summer becoming so close and dear to each other. Gamzee would run to tavros' whenever his father was too much and tavros would run to gamzee whenever he felt like he needed to get out of his fathers suffocating care. 

Over the months they both had changed, drastically. Tavros had hit a growth spurt and while he still had braces, he had finally managed to fill out, not by much, but still filling out. Tavros was taller than gamzee now, and stronger too, from spending the summer working on his grandparents farm, he had gained a bit of muscle, he was growing the way he was supposed too, strong and brave, like he should have always been. Gamzee had simply grown tall, his hair longer and wilder. He had opened up through public school, expressing himself beautifully in art class while his friend bloomed in sports. Both boys had become a tad known in the school, always seen together hanging out, and due to gamzee's father's reputation. Gamzee and tavros would watch peter pan once a month at tavros' and another week they'd have a sleepover at gamzee's and his father would make them breakfast, kurloz always made the best pancakes. During the summer nights catching fireflies, they's stumble onto a place that overlooked the lake next to their town, the stars would be reflected into the water, and there they'd make a promise to always keep each other safe. 

Freshman year would be amazing for both boys. They'd open up and find new friends while still having their little weekend excursions. Gamzee would make friends with the star of debate class while tavros would join a table top club. Gamzee would become a hit in the art club, his paintings and art alike would draw eyes and compliments. Tavros would soon join sports, being recruited to join the football team, his family would all go out to celebrate, gamzee being invited of course. Towards the end of the year they'd discover girls, tavros would be kissed by a girl who used to bully him, he'd think about the kiss a lot, and what it meant, only to realize that...it mean't nothing. The girl would call him a jackass and kick him in between his legs and storm off while gamzee laughed and would pat his back. Gamzee would have a girl kiss him tenderly in the paint drying room, it would smear paint on his lips and she'd giggle and run off like a cat being snide. Gamzee would also think of the kiss, he'd think it meant something, but it would end up meaning nothing to him, for he'd find the girl with the captain of the debate team the next day. Gamzee would feel a pain in his chest, but tavros would convince him that girls are lame and all they needed was each other. 

The summer following freshman year would be just like the last summer, tavros would work on his families ranch while gamzee attended bible camp as a counselor. The animals would continue to love tavros as he raised and nurtured them while gamzee was fawned over as a favorite counselor due to the fact he let the kids sneak sweets and other contraband in their cabins. And on the last day of summer both boys would meet at their secret spot next to the lake and they would hold hands and keep their promise. Never forget. Never keep secrets. 

Sophomore year would be more interesting, gamzee being urged to enter painting contests, only to win them, tavros would score winning points and everyone would cheer him on, he'd gain popularity while gamzee would follow behind him smelling of watercolor paints. People would ask tavros why he'd blow them off for gamzee, he'd tell them he made a promise and that he never breaks promises. They'd call him and idiot and he'd shrug. Gamzee would always paint pictures for tavros, beautiful intricate ones, swirls and stars and cosmos. Gamzee would paint his soul for his best friend, and tavros would hang every single one of them up in his room. Tavros wasn't much for art, but the rare times he did paint, gamzee would take the painting for himself, telling tavros that anything his best bro made was priceless and it belonged to him. 

Towards the end of sophomore year, they'd have a fight. Their first fight. It would have been triggered by tavros blowing gamzee off to go to an after game get together at a restaurant. Gamzee would have stood in their secret spot for an hour waiting. Only to be greeted with nothing and no one. He'd curse and stomp off, a feeling growing within him, a feeling so poisonous and evil he'd punch a tree over and over until splinters and blood looked back at him from his hand. He'd slide to his knees and cry because it wouldn't be fair. Why would he have such feelings? 

He'd find tavros at a diner across town and he'd stand in front of his friend, looking at him with soft charcoal eyes that would fill with tears, but before tavros could speak tender words, his teammate would cut in, sneering that the art freak was here to show them more clown paintings and his other teammates would join in and tavros would be helpless to watch his best friend run off. 

Tavros would for the first time express aggression and anger on another human. 

He'd punch his teammate in the nose, cracking it and he'd run off after gamzee. 

They'd find each other in the secret spot, gamzee cradling his hand and tavros rushing to hold him, he'd take his jacket off and give it to gamzee, he'd immediately pull gamzee to his feet (very easily) and he'd rush gamzee to his house to take care of his hand. The entire time gamzee would be whining in protest to what tavros would say. 

'I'm sorry gamzee, I should have gone there right after the game this is my fault'  
'You're hurt and this is the last thing I'd want to happen. 

Gamzee would let his friend take care of him and that night they'd fall asleep in tavros's room, not a word exchanged about what happened. 

~*~*~*~*~ 

Around tavros' 18th birthday his father would give him the letters. 

He'd go into a blind rage, attacking anything that got too close. His father had lied to him for years, telling him that his mother had simply ran off and had wanted nothing to do with tavros. Tavros would read every letter and find out the truth, he'd find out about how his mother simply felt as if she didn't want her life to end with her being some housewife, that she wanted more out of her life. The letters ended with her telling him that if he ever wanted to meet her, at least once, to contact a number or send a letter. 

He decided not too. 

Because tavros was an adult now, and years of playing high school football left him tall and with muscles. His braces had been removed a year ago, and with it weight off his shoulders, he had his licence and a part time job at the local animal shelter. His brown eyes were bright and warm and his smile was illuminating. His voice was smooth and with every syllable that rolled off his tongue he seemed absolutely amazing. People would fawn and reach for his attention, only for him to be focused on his sat's. He only made time for one person, and that was gamzee. Even though his was offered scholarships, he turned them down. 

But not all was well with tavros. He had figured himself out around the end of junior year and senior year was torture for him and his feelings, at first the seed had been planted and then the feelings that bloomed as a result caused a disruption in his life, one of extreme proportions. 

About a month of gamzee coddling and caring for his best friend in his time of need, his 18th birthday rolled around. And with a full scholarship (against his fathers wishes) to an art college, gamzee was ready to move on with his life. After the party was over and he sat with his grandmother, she took his hands and she looked to him, the years were worn on her face, but her eyes were still young and mirthful. She would kiss his forehead, and she'd give him a gift. He'd unwrap it only to find a framed photo. A black haired woman with soft sweet green eyes. She would wear a cat sweater and be pressed against his fathers side, his father had a lazy smile and half lidded eyes, a matching cat sweater, his arm around the woman. His parents. Gamzee would feel something swell and tighten in his chest. He'd seen photos of his mother, but not both his parents together. He'd swallow thickly and his grandmother would then tell him the story he'd always been afraid to ask. The story of his birth. 

His grandmother would tell him of the choice his mother made to follow through with the pregnancy at the risk of her health, insisting that the baby deserved a chance as much as anyone. She would tell gamzee of how his mother yearned for him, yearned to see and hold her son, and how she'd do anything. The story would end with his mothers green eyes sliding closed quietly as he laid in her arms asleep, how his father would lose his mind after that, chasing his grief down with pills and the sting from a syringe until it was too much. He'd learn of his fathers struggle in rehab and then how he found god. 

Gamzee would run from his home after that. Running and stumbling to his secret spot. He'd text tavros, telling him that the sky was falling and he'd wait. He'd wait exactly five minutes until his best friend showed up, wet mowhawk sticking to his head and cheeks as he stood there panting, tavros' eyes were wide and searching gamzee's expression for an answer. He'd scramble over and scoop his best friend in his arms while gamzee would cling to him and cry, mumbling out a jumbled summary of what happened. 

Tavros had no words to offer, so he'd hold gamzee tighter, while gamzee would repeat himself. 

"she loved me tav, she loved me more than her own life tav its no fair, she didn't have to die and its all my fault" 

Tavros would grit his teeth, it wasn't gamzees fault. Gamzee would hiccup and sob and grip his friend shamelessly. 

"Is god punishing me tav? Because I took her life for my own?" gamzee pleaded, as if tavros knew the answer, gamzee would wipe his face, smearing snot on his cheek. 

"She shoulda never had me tav-" And that would make tavros snap. 

He'd pull back, gripping gamzee by the shoulders, his brown eyes boring into gamzees black ones. Gamzee would be surprise, he'd blink in confusion and tavros would look at the tears still gathering and falling in his eyes. 

"Your a gift gamzee. If she didn't believe you were worth it, she wouldn't have risked her life. She loved you before you were born. She needed you. She cared for you more than herself because- goddamnit, your worth it gamzee." Tavros couldn't stop his mouth, he needed to stop before-

"I'd give my life for yours because I love you." Tavros would say softly and gently he'd hope that gamzee would not have heard it at all. 

But gamzee heard it. 

Red spread across his face to the tips of his ears and he opened his mouth as a feeling spread across both of them. Tavro's hand would slide from gamzees shoulder along his neck to his cheek and he'd wipe at his tears with his thumb. 

"You are the gift she gave us. Gamz you are what I've always needed in my life." Tavros would say and he'd think about leaning in, pressing his lips against gamzees. 

But gamzee beat him too the punch. 

Gamzee would wrap his arms around tavros' neck and he'd kiss him, so desperately and deeply. Like he's waited a thousand years for this love, for this kiss, a kiss that truly meant something to him. 

In the darkness they'd keep their promise. 

Never to keep secrets. 

They were so deep in their own world that they didn't hear someone discover their spot, and they didn't notice that it was their fathers, holding respective flashlights and looks of utter disappointment and shame.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/likes/kudos are appreciated!


End file.
